Food has to date been naturally lacking but consumers can now breathe easy – at last it’s bigger, bulkier, heavier, shinier, firmer, tastier, more colourful, more textured, more scented and more impervious to time.
Okay, time for the copywriter to come clean.
If one reads the bit about ‘consumers breathing easy’ literally the claim’s a bit of a porkie because MSG food additives often lead to sleep-disordered breathing but what’s a hiccup or two between friends?
And, whilst I’m on the naughty step, there is the matter of the artificial sweetener Acesulfame K which often leads to chronic respiratory disease but surely a little rasp never hurt anyone?
Rasping, hiccupping and breathing easily are not mutually exclusive because consumers can efficiently do all three without complication. It is just going to take practice. Glad to see we’re still reading from the same menu card, so to speak.
Now, if one reads ‘breathing easily’ metaphorically it might suggest consumers can relax. Here I’ll stick to my guns and suggest they can.
Technically it is possible for a consumer to relax with double vision, weakness, seizures, dizziness, nausea, numbness, weight gain, rashes, depression, fatigue, irritability, tachycardia, insomnia, hearing loss, heart palpitations, slurred speech, loss of taste, tinnitus, vertigo, memory loss, joint pain, brain tumors, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, chronic fatigue syndrome, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s, mental retardation, lymphoma, birth defects, fibromyalgia and diabetes.
Unfortunately it’s the anxiety attacks which let the side down. Cramps and muscle spasms too. I’m not sure if it’s possible to relax through such a thing. Mutually exclusive, a copywriter’s nightmare.
But that’s fine — we can make an exclusion in the small print. Or tiny print to use the copywriter’s vernacular get out of jail free card*.
*Note to designer: please use 1 point text for the exclusion
I’ve told the board it would be a stretch too far of the most imaginative English to claim its possible to relax through their food additive induced cramped muscle spasm anxiety-attack palpitation. But they’ve told me to work on it.
And, if I can’t explain it away, they’re working on an additive to fix that too.
Some bright Boardroom spark suggested we add benzodiazepines to consumer foods – that would really knock ’em out. Trouble is they’d be so darned relaxed they wouldn’t be able to click the mouse for another food delivery which would badly affect profits.
This benzodiazepine solution might also have logistical and supply chain challenges since it’s a prescription only substance but we can lobby Government to most likely side-step that hurdle too.
Furthermore, benzodiazepines are addictive but that might make consumers reach for their mouse sooner.
And more frequently, which would be also be good.
*Feedback from the designer is just in: he says 1 point text is unlikely to print clearly
Shucks, the warning won’t be read. Well, I’m sure Food Standards don’t monitor font size. Let’s just tick the box and tell the designer not to be such a jobsworth and, whilst we’re at it, we’ll tell customers to get their eyes tested.
What? They’ve got double vision because of the Aspartame?
Good, it’s all coming together.
Add more sweetner and reduce font size further. Turns out it doesn’t matter what I write.
Talk about talking oneself into something. In a flurry of powerpoint presentations and colourful pie charts, our Board has finally deemed it appropriate to at last fill our foods with an assortment of acids, alkalis, antibiotics, antioxidants, aromas, binders, bulking agents, coagulators, colours, colour enhancers, dyes, emulsifiers, extenders, fillers, fixatives, flavours, flavour enhancers, gels, pesticides, plasticisers, polishes, preservatives, regulators, sanitizers, stabilisers, synthesisers, steroids, sweeteners, syrups, thickeners, texturisers and wood pulps.
Yes, you heard it – wood pulp.
Explaining that one away might keep me in work for some time yet. Great.
Pressure off, time for a coffee.
If it can’t be explained away we can always slap a BUY ONE GET ONE FREE sticker over the top. That’ll throw them off the scent.
You shop, we drop. Freshly clicked. I’m luvin’ it.
Octane offers gastro wilderness expeditions – employing Octane’s Eight* methods of sourcing wild food for the pot, we eat the world’s best food, ocean fresh**.
*Octane’s Eight is our philosophy – we believe our travelling guests, being closest to the world’s wildest fresh foods, might quite like to eat the world’s wildest fresh foods. 1) We line fish, 2) we lobster pot, 3) we spear fish, 4) we sea forage, 5) we land forage, 6) we deer stalk, 7) we seed the sea, 8) we seed the land.
**Ocean fresh – the term fresh fish is of course relative. On the high-street, at supermarkets and in city restaurants fresh fish really means days old so, when patiently waiting for your number to be called at the fish-counter, be ready to ask where your fish is from and how many days ago it was likely caught. Supermarkets invent terms to suit their needs and, as a discerning consumer, it really is your right to challenge nonsense. At Octane we have therefore made a new, differentiated and entirely transparent definition – Ocean fresh. Simply put, it means caught and eaten same-day.
See OCEAN FRESH in practice – with the post ‘Drive-by calamari’ – ocean fresh calamari caught, cooked and served in under an hour.